A Battle of Faith & Love
Love, Life & ReligionNight Out…
So I’m waiting for Ivan to wake up so we can go to Friday’s and indulge ourselves in their $12.99 Three Course deal. Yeah I know it sounds really cheesy, but we’ve been laying low the past few weeks, and I love Friday’s Bruschetta Chicken Pasta. We’ll probably end up going to the movies while we’re out, I know that Ivan’s been wanting to see “Balboa.” I dunno if I’ll be able to stomach that, but I hear it’s a pretty good movie overall.
Oooh, and it’s a three day weekend! Well it doesn’t matter much for me, I’ve adjusted my work schedule during break so I have Mondays off, and this will be my last monday off for a long time. My classes start the 22nd, and I’ll be having them Monday and Thursday. Tuesday, Wednesday and Friday I’ll be working at the Governor’s office, living it up.
I think he’s almost awake!!!
De-Lurking Week
So it’s the end of National De-Lurking Week, and I got this cool picture from Ms. Four-Kids and a Dog. I’ve noticed that I’ve been getting a lot of traffic over the past few days – ok so 30-35 hits a day, but that’s still a lot for me – so if you’re visiting/lurking, why not leave me a comment!!
Come on, you know you want to!
Application Procrastination
Ok, so the title isn’t exactly correct. I haven’t been procrastinating on sending out law school applications, I actually sent out two before the new year, and send another one out today. I’m a bit concerned because I wish my GPA and LSAT score were higher. They are pretty strong, but who doesn’t want more?
I have two or three more applications to send out before I’m done. I’m mainly applying to law schools in the area, but I’ve decided to take the chance and apply to the University of San Diego School of Law. Ivan’s always talked about wanting to move to San Diego for a change of pace and weather. He’s from the USSR and spent 15 years there and has been in the U.S. for 11. He complains about how he went from one super cold country to another country that is less cold, but can been pretty nasty in the winter (good ol Nor’ Easters!). USD Law is an amazing institution, and it would be amazing if I got accepted. So we’ll see what happens.
Time to catch some ZzZzZs.
Belated Birthday Gift
Ivan bought me this cool hand warming whale mouse pad for my birthday. He bought it online, and the seller is in Hong Kong. Needless to say, it came over three weeks late, but I love it!
Yeah, I’m a big geeky computer nerd, I know!
Time to Act?
Just spent about an hour on the phone with my mom, helping her work on her Henna webpage. She had a free site hosted elsewhere, but I promised her twenty times over that I would set up something nice and easy for her to use. So while I orginally called to tell her a funny joke, our conversation turned into her website. I decided to set something up here at WordPress.com for her, it’s pretty easy to use and manage, and very simple, which she likes.
I would put the link up here, but I’m worried that by doing that somehow she would gain knowledge of this blog. I’ll be taking care of most of the management of her blog, and this week she’s going to henna my hands and feet and take pictures to post.
While on the phone with her, I wondered exactly what it was that was keeping me from telling her and my dad about Ivan now. I’ve stated that I’m waiting until the spring to let them know, but I’m wondering why I can’t tell them now.
I originally feared that I would be disowned, so my original plan called for me to tell them when I graduated, when I would no longer be dependent on them. But I’m not financially dependent on them now. Well not counting health insurance, as I’m on my dad’s wonderful federal health insurance plan. When I say it’s wonderful, I mean it’s really wonderful.
Now that my main fear of being disowned has calmed down a bit, I don’t have much to lose by telling my parents now. I don’t live at home (though I visit every week or so) and I have a job. For all intents and purposes, I’m supporting myself. That’s what the federal government and the IRS feel, since I’m an independent student.
While writing this, I’m thinking that if I tell my parents now that may give me some time for tempers to cool, vs. telling right before my graduation, which would put their attendance at my graduation at risk. If I could, I would tell them today, but I’m so afraid of the unknown, and if they do cut me off that would be devastating to me and would probably have a negative effect on my performance during my last semester of college.
So really, I’m paralyzed by fear. But I’m going to give this some thought, and maybe I’ll tell them sooner than I thought. Maybe next week, maybe when/if I get an acceptance letter to law school.
I just hope that after I tell them I can still have hour long phone conversations with my mom.
Meet & Greet
I’ve been wanting Ivan to meet my mother for a while now. I want him to meet both my parents, but think that meeting my mom first would be less intimidating. As I mentioned before, my parents know that he is a good friend of mine, and every now and then when I mention him they say “Oh we want to meet this mystery man.”
Needless to say, Ivan is nervous about meeting my mom. I’ve met most of his family (been to dinner with his brother & his brother’s family), but not yet his parents. His parents know about me though, he tells his mom about me, and I’m sure that his brother has given his input too.
Now that it’s a new year and my time is running out, Ivan’s gonna have to meet Mom. Soon. Ideally it’ll just be a brief meeting so she can see who he is and what he looks like and have proof that he’s not an imaginary friend of mine. She’ll probably tell a funny story and tell him he’s cute and that he should marry me so she can have Russian grandchildren. My mom is funny like that.
The Countdown Begins..
So I figure that I have less than four months to sit down with my parents and discuss all of this. Hopefully I’ll get up the nerve and strength (and have everything figured out) by the time April rolls around. I want to tell them before my graduation so that they will have some time to react, etc. Hopefully they will still come to my graduation.
I’m thinking that the reaction by my mother will be a lot calmer than my dad. She knows that Ivan is a good friend of mine, and she always jokes with me that I should marry him, “he doesn’t have to be religious.” I wonder how loosely I can interpret that statement!
Things with my dad will no doubt be more difficult, but I’m starting to feel that he wont disown me. He’ll be super pissed and our relationship will definitely change, but I’m hoping that if things don’t go well that eventually he’ll calm down and participate in my life. I think most likely reaction is “You know this is wrong, you will become an apostate if he does not convert, etc etc etc.” Hopefully he wont forget how much I’ve accomplished and how hard I’ve worked over the past few years and how I’ve always tried to make both him and my mother proud.
Is that too much to ask?
Tired.
I’m totally dragging ass today. Got up late, got to work late, just want to go home and go to sleep. I’m leaving here at 2. Don’t even know why I came in today, there was absolutely nothing for me to do.
Two more Wednesdays left till I’m done with this place.
Is It Worth It?
Sometimes when we bicker I wonder if it’s really worth it. If it’s really worth possibly losing my family and everything I’ve known, of losing my lifeline and my past and my history.
Then I worry, “what if it doesn’t work out?” What if I’m wrong and make the wrong choice. What if things with Ivan and me fall apart. Where will that leave me? Will my parents forgive me? Will they hold this against me?
There is so much involved that sometimes I’m wondering whether or not there is a right decision. I’m starting to think that regardless of what I decide, things aren’t going to end up the way I really want them to, and that I’ll lose something.
I love my parents, but I love him too.
The Beginning..
As you can see this is a new blog. The title should give you an idea about what the main topic will be. I’ll be using this blog to document my struggles with religion and the trials and tribulations that are inherent in romantic relationships.
To give you a little background information:
You can call me chickpea. I’m a 20-something year old female living in the Northeast – in the NYC metropolitan area. I’ll be graduating from college this May, and am currently applying to law school. My family is Muslim, and I was raised accordingly. My parents are fairly moderate in their practices. My views on religion are a bit more open-minded than my parents, and while I consider myself Muslim, there are many people that would tell me I am wrong. I do not cover.
You might be wondering – ok, where is the struggle with religion & love?
I have been in a relation with a wonderful guy since July 2005. He is not Muslim, and for that matter, not religious at all (he was raised in the Soviet Union). We’ll call him Ivan. My parents know that he is my friend, but I have not told them anything beyond that. I’m pretty sure that they know something is up, but I try not to worry about that too much. What I do worry about is coming clean to my parents. I will be graduating from college in less than five months, and I want to tell them by then.
The true battle lies in the fact that I love Ivan. He loves me. But he’s not Muslim and doesn’t really have any interest in becoming Muslim. He respects my beliefs for the most part, although he doesn’t agree with some of the modern day applications of my religion. And in this respect, I don’t agree with these things either. Nevertheless, we’ve pretty much decided that after my graduation I will move in with him and he’ll help support me while I’m in law school.
At first I was afraid that my parents would disown me for being with him. Everyone has told me that my parents love me too much to do that, but I do know that regardless of what happens, things will be different. I don’t want to disappoint my parents – especially my father – because I’m the “good kid” (I have an older sister and younger brother), but I feel that I have to live my life and make the decisions I feel are right in my heart, and accept the consequences.
So over the next few months, I’ll be posting about my nervousness and fear of telling my parents. I’ll also be using this blog as an arena to fight out my struggles with religion, etc. Feel free to comment and give advice, support, even criticism. I’m expecting a lot of criticism actually. But for now I’ll take whatever I can get.
