Over the next few weeks I’ll start importing my other blog that I don’t use as much, so ideally everything will be consolidated. I’m still not 100% about doing that, since my other blog doesn’t really have a subject that I focus on, so therefore the posts are a little all over the place.

Get a move on!!

Faithandlove [dot] com is taken, and so is loveandfaith [dot] com. My friend suggested garbanzolove [dot] com, which seems cute and cool. I want something that gets across what my blog is about, but I don’t want it to be corny or to decide three months from now that it’s a boring name.

Any suggestions?

update: Being the impatient person I am, I went ahead and chose a domain name and everything. By the end of the day http://chickpealove.com should be live! I’m so excited!

Interestingly enough, most of the time I have a moment like this, I don’t focus that much on the whole religion aspect. I’m more concerned about the impact that all this will have on my relationship with my parents. I don’t want to disappoint them, but at the same time I realize that I have to live my life for myself and no one else. Not my parents, not Ivan.

I need a vacation….

p.s. Thanks to everyone that commented on my previous posts. I got a wide array of input and suggestions, and although I don’t necessarily agree with everything that people said, it still means a lot that there are people willing to give input on a rather touchy subject while remaining polite and considerate. Please keep the comments coming!

Geology 120

State & Local Politics in NJ

Western Political Theory

If anything, the last course will be the toughest, but I only have that once a week and it’s just two exams and a paper.

I added a countdown ticker to my Google start page, and I apparently have 110 days until graduation. Which means that I have like 85 days max to tell my parents. I’ve gotten some really interesting and supportive comments from my “Losing My Religion” posts, and I’ve spent the last few days thinking over things, and considering all the possible outcomes.

I’m thinking of talking with my aunt about this situation. She’s my father’s sister, and a non-Muslim. She and I are very close, and her and my father are close as well, even moreso since the passing of my grandmother this past November. She has no children, so I’m the closest thing she has to a daughter, and she’s always there to give me advice and support. I’m thinking that by talking to her I can get some well needed feedback, and she could possibly support my decision when I go to my parents.

Ugh, class bright and early tomorrow!

I installed Windows Vista Business today!!! Wooo hooo!

Is anyone else experiencing this problem?  What is going on!

WordPress better get to work!

I got a Wii yesterday! Didn’t have to wait on any long lines or camp out over night. Just headed to Game Stop yesterday around 2:15 PM, and bought one. There were maybe 5 people in the store. I got one of the last ones they had in stock.

I’m totally loving it! I didn’t buy any extra games, so right now I only have Wii Sports. I’m going to run to Blockbuster later in the day and see what games the have.

Even Ivan likes it!

I know I made a bit of a stir with my two most recent posts. I’ve gotten a good deal of feedback, and I want to say thank you to all that commented. The comments were from a broad spectrum, but they all had insighful things to say. Hopefully tomorrow I’ll get around to writing a Part III to the series, and responded to some of the comments.

Today I spent the day cleaning and organizing things, and washed and deep conditioned my hair. In fact, I need to go rinse out the conditioner soon. I have to finish cleaning up and start getting ready, Ivan and I are going out – it’s one of his friend’s birthdays. I also need to grab something to eat!

I’ve been working at eating right and exercising more, I have about 12 lbs that I need to lose. I’m in pretty good shape overall, but I want to slim out a little, and reclaim my muscle tone. When I was in the Navy I was lean and fit, but four years of office jobs and pulling all-nighters for school has changed all that. And with me possibly going to law school in the fall, I need to start a regimen and stick to it, since most of my time would go to sitting on my butt trying to decipher legal jargon.

Wash rinse repeat!!!

Anyways, the part of the comment that stuck out the most for me was this: “Can you see how this situation is moving further and futher away from Islam?”

I may be being naive, but I think that this whole situation has helped me sort out how I really feel about religion and general, and more specifically, how I feel about Islam. I personally believe that no religion is perfect because they are applied and practiced by man – and humankind in general are not without sin (meaning no one is perfect). There is a lot going on in Islam right now that I do not agree with, and I think that with the ways things are in the global arena, we are more able to see how peope are misusing Islam on a much wider scale.

Anyways, I honestly believe that if I was a true devout “religious” muslim, I wouldn’t have ended up in the situation that I am currently in. In fact, Ivan and I joke about how we wouldn’t be with each other if either of us was very religious. I mean, how many strict Orthodox Jews do you see running off with shiksas?

I hate to say it, but I think one reason that I don’t have the “conviction” that others have is because I never chose to be Muslim. I don’t mean that in a way like “I never chose to be born,” but rather, my parents made a conscious decision to be Muslim. For my siblings and I, Islam was the status quo.

This may or may not make sense, but don’t flame me!

Since I started this blog, I’ve been reading more and more blogs that are focused on religion. Some of them are the blogs of disbelievers, but most of them are blogs by Muslim women. You can find a mix of both on my blogroll. I consider all of these blogs though provoking and enlightening, although I may not agree with some of the views, and this goes for both sides of the religious aisle.

Through reading these blogs, I’m impressed and intrigued by the deep conviction that is expressed by the authors – atheists that are staunch in their belief that there is no god, Muslims devoted to opening minds and presenting new ways of thinking, Muslims that find nothing wrong with polygamy – in short, a wide range of views, but all with the same grounding and conviction that they are right. Well not “right” in the negative sense, but “right” in the positive sense.

While I may have more concrete beliefs on other subjects and aspects of life, I have to honestly say that I don’t have the deep religious conviction that I see expressed elsewhere. Religion has always been an interesting topic for me, I’ve worked at a center for interreligious understanding for almost two years (yesterday was my last day). I consider myself very knowledgable not only about Islam, but about Christianity, Judaism, and Buddhism, to name a few.

I was raised Muslim by observant Muslim parents and I have wonderful memories of Eid festivities at the small masjid we were once a part of. We spent evenings during Ramadan reading from the Qur’an, my favorite sura is Al-Bakara [The Cow]. I even went to two different Islamic schools for 3rd and 4th grade.

But through all this, I’ve always felt that I’m Muslim because my parents are Muslim, and because I don’t want to be a Christian or a Jew. I do believe in Allah, but when I see truly devout Muslims at the masjid, I feel like I’m lacking something. Like I’m a half-assed Muslim, which I probably am.

Adding this whole love/Ivan situation in the mix, I’m wondering where I will go from here. I don’t feel the need to be an atheist or denouce Islam, but I know that if I am to marry Ivan, I won’t really be welcome in Muslim circles. Have no doubt, I am aware that what I am doing/will do is considered a sin by many. I have dreams that I’m going to burn in hell because I love this man and because I will disappoint my parents.

There’s a saying that being a mother isn’t for everyone.. I wonder if being religious is like the same thing. I do have inner faith, but I’m pretty sure that I would not pass for “religious.” But does that mean I’m no longer Muslim?

To be continued…

Ok time to go lay down, the medicine is starting to kick in and I’m feeling a bit loopy!